Zaiden Alexander's 2nd Birthday!

Today was Zaiden's 2nd birthday. It's hard to believe it has been that long. Today wasn't only about him, and losing him. It was about David, and Ray too. Even though it's been two years already, it feels like yesterday when I actually think about it. And it hurts. Everything in those 5 months was pain.

I remember the initial feeling when I lost him. It is almost hard to explain. It's this feeling like suddenly the world just caved in on itself, like everything ceased to be alive. In that moment he took his last breath, it was like a piece of my heart stopped along with his. I'll never get that piece to pulsate alive again. It's forever dead. I mean, I knew it was going to happen. He was just too small, too fragile and sick. There was nothing the doctors could do, if anything hooking him up to all those machines would have caused him more pain than just having him in my arms till he passed. I do not regret the decision I made, I made the best decision I think I could have. The strongest decision, the most unselfish one. I'll be honest, I wanted to try everything to keep him alive. But keeping him alive would have been for me and not for him...he wouldn't be able to do anything. Never walk, talk, feel...what kind of life is that for me to choose for him? None. And thats why I just held him from the moment he was out, till the moment he died. I had him wrapped up on my chest so that he can hear my heartbeat and feel my warmth and I could feel the faint patter of his. His skin was transparent, you could see the blood pulsing through his veins. Some people might see that as scary or creepy but to me. He was beautiful. Everything about him, his big eyes and button nose, to his tiny little fingers and toes. The feeling of utter helplessness is a horrific feeling.

Today, wasn't all sad for me. I just remembered him as he was. I only have an hour of memories with him but it will last a lifetime. I have my daughter Zeraea. She helps on days like these. Just holding her makes the pain disappear. She is my whole heart. It's weird thinking she would have an older brother. But I am sure he would have been so great at it! He had a personality from the moment he made his presence known! I will always remember him and his father. Remember all the times leading up to him and after him, good and bad. I curse the person who made me lose him, but there is nothing I can do about it now. And feeling hate and anger does nothing to bring him back so, I have let go. I love you Zammie, more than you'll ever get to know. I miss you everyday. Even if god doesn't exist, it just makes me feel better thinking or hoping that there is someone with you and that you are in a great place. Mommy loves you.

And to David, though I know you will never see this...I am so sorry...I don't even know where to begin. Just know that I am sorry I didn't notice all your tries, I see them now. You were an amazing father, and friend, and honestly I miss it sometimes. I hope you are happy and all your dreams are coming true!

Dream Home

Man, looking at houses makes me dream. I want a HUGE yard with lots of room for Zeraea (and future children) to run around and play. I want a fireplace so I can snuggle up to it with my Fiance in the winter time. I want a big tub that I can really enjoy my bubble baths, with plenty of space for candles. Lord knows I love my candles!! A round about porch, with room to put a couples swing on it, where Kevin and I can spend time holding each other, watching the sunset till we grow old. Where one day we can sit and admire our children and then our childrens' children. A two car garage big enough to fit two cars, plus tons of extra room to store a project car, preferably a 1967 Mustang! Yes, MUSTANG! I want a room covered with bookcases, but on one wall, a bay window with a window seat where I can just relax and read, I want my collection back! A room for all of our hobbies, ones that we will stick with and the ones we outgrow. I want a built in Salt Water Aquarium in our living room wall full of bright colored fishes and sharks! A huge white kitchen with stainless steel appliances, with black granite counter-tops, a big island to cook and entertain on. A big fridge for out 6 kids haha. I want a Master bedroom big enough to fit a California King size bed, that way when Kevin takes up all the bed, I'll still have like a whole mile of bed all to my own haha. I want a HUGE screen TV, since Kevin and I LOVE to watch movies together ALL the time. This way we aren't stuck infront of a 20in screen that my blind ass can't see and he has to read the words out loud to me haha, that makes me sound old! I want a fenced in pool in our backyard, fenced cause I do not want any of my children to get in there unless we are there also. But it would be nice to go swimming whenever we'd like and not have to go to a public pool! I want a HUGE tree in the back yard strong enough to have a tree house and tire swing in! I have always wanted both, so I want that for my children also.